Have you ever had a secret that tore you up on the inside? Twenty-seven years ago I was driving down a long dark road. So many thoughts were rushing through my mind. I was saddened by my silent secret that I was keeping. I drove until my tears blurred my vision and I finally pulled over and sobbed. You see I was only 17 with a 9 month old baby boy and pregnant. What was I going to do? My parents and family didn’t know about this pregnancy and I had no one to talk to about this.
The next morning I went to work. I was working downtown Atlanta, barely making ends meet, and living with my parents. Once I arrived at work, I sat down at my desk consumed with all of my problems. As I proceeded to do my job, I felt something running down my leg. I was bleeding! Well, my boss ran me to the emergency room. He now knew that I was pregnant and so did my co-workers! At least I had someone to talk to about this now. The nurses rushed me to the back and did an ultra sound to see if the baby was okay. I remember very vividly the look on her face as she was doing the ultra sound. It scared me to death! She quietly informed me that I was having twins. Twins! How could this be? I hadn’t taken fertility pills. I sat back and cried. Once I pulled myself together I asked her why I was bleeding. She sadly turned to me and said that I was losing one if not both of my children! My head was spinning trying to grasp all of the information that was just told to me. The nurse showed me the ultra sound. It appeared to have a spider web look to it. She explained that it looked cancerous. Now I really was losing my mind. It was a lot for a 17-year-old to consume all in one sitting. I was actually kind of excited about having twins and now finding out that they might be taken from me. Why God? These are my babies, mine I tell you! I want to get to know them, hold them and love on them. I became angry knowing that the doctors might have to do a DNC.
Later the doctor came in and read my charts and ultra sound. He gently sat down to tell me what was going to happen. The doctor told me to go to my OB/GYN to discuss having a DNC because I was losing the babies and I could have cancer in my uterus. He left the room as I sat silently alone to deal with the information that was just handed to me. I knew I was pregnant and had a chance to process that information. Finding out I was pregnant with twins and losing them was a different story. Would I ever get over this?
I called my parents and told them what had just happened. They weren’t exactly excited since I was a 17-year-old with a baby and pregnant with twins. By the way my dad is a minister! A few days later I went to my OB/GYN and they agreed that it was in my best interest to have a DNC. My parents were there for me despite of their disappointment. A week later I had a DNC. They had removed everything that they thought was cancerous. I went home and became numb to everything. Weeks went by and I ached for my babies. I didn’t even know the gender of these precious babies.
A few years went by as I had placed my sadness in the back of my thought process. Different things would come up that would remind me of them. I thought, how am I going to get through this. A friend of mine had gone through a similar event and went to a support group. She shared something amazing with me. My friend told me to pick out a gender for each child and name them. She said they are waiting for me in heaven. I broke down with tears of joy. Something that I had never thought about was that I would see them AGAIN IN HEAVEN! Praise God for this! They are healthy and happy. When I heard this I quickly chose names for them. Their names are Brittany and Brianna and they are my girls. My girls! When I get to heaven I will run to them and scoop them up to let them know how much I love them and have missed them. I still get sad sometimes because my other children didn’t get to know them. I just look up to heaven and praise God for those humans that He gave me for such a short time. You know God lost His son too and He was sad. Jesus is our Savior and the only way to get to heaven is through Him. If you haven’t accepted Him as your Lord and Savior the time is now. Find a church near you and ask to speak to their minister/pastor. I have such a deep passion for you to know my God, who is all loving, knowing and forgiving! Become reunited with your loved ones, especially if you have lost a child whether through a miscarriage or death. God is with you always!
Fourteen years ago I had to take fertility to become pregnant with my beautiful daughter. Yes there was only one child this time. Go figure that. Then we fostered and adopted our daughter. I have a step-son, son, daughter and adopted daughter now. We are complete! I had wanted another child after my 14-year-old, but had a bad pregnancy. Fostering and adopting can be a great thing if you can’t have kids. God can heal your heart if you let Him.
Have you heard the story about the woman who was trying on a new dress? She kept saying to herself, “I really don’t have the money for this dress but it really looks good on me!” After a few times of saying that she yelled “Satan get behind me!” That didn’t really work either because she heard a small voice from the other dressing room saying, “It looks just as good from this side!”
We all have struggles. Satan has been tempting me to spend money on things that I do not need. We as women want to have nice clothes, a nice car, colored hair (if you are turning gray), money to spend for fun and the list goes on!!! All of these things are not bad, but we shouldn’t let them consume us. Recently I have joined the Dave Ramsey class called Financial Peace University. I am trying to get out of debt so I can give more. Lately, I have been convicted to give God more and it’s hard for you and your husband to agree on what to spend in each category. Pray to God that you and your spouse will agree and compromise. If you want help in this area, this course is a great one to take. If everyone could just be content with what they had, our world wouldn’t be in this financial mess.
Years ago a young girl had her life planned out. She was to marry the love of her life and have no kinks in her plans. This young girl probably was preparing wedding plans and thinking about that white picket fence. She had so many hopes and dreams such as, how many kids they would have and what her job would be when she became older. Her life was all planned out until one particular day. God had other plans for her. Without much of a warning she was visited by an angel named Gabriel. Her life was about to be changed forever. You have probably figured out that I am talking about Mary and Joseph.
I am sure she said, “But I had my life planned out differently.”She probably thought that God had the wrong person and she wasn’t worthy. How many times do we feel this way? We have our life planned out and we don’t want anything changing our plans. We think that God has chosen the wrong person to do His job. Or I am not worthy or good enough to share His word on His behalf. Guess what! God changes our plans to fulfill His plans. What’s funny is that God’s plans ALWAYS works for our good! He knows what is best for us even when we can’t see it. I wanted to open a child-care center once. I wanted it sooo badly and didn’t understand why it just didn’t work out. God had shut all of the doors knowing what was best for me. An assist director opening came open at child-care center and I took the job. I realized that I didn’t have what it took to run a big center like that. I soon went back to my in-home daycare and was content. God knew my strengths and weaknesses and owning a daycare was definitely not my strength. He protected me! Isn’t it awesome how God works! Are you listening for God’s voice? Are you going in your direction or His? You might want something to go the way you have planned it. Ask God if that is His will for you. You never know, He might have different plans. Obey Him and see where He takes you. I never imagined that I would be blogging right now. I have often felt like Moses where I didn’t feel capable of leading people to Christ. God has changed my thoughts and has told me, “This is your platform, be obedient and I will tell you what to say”.
Designed in Canva
My husband and I have been going to the same church for around 17 years now. We have been married for almost 20 years! Our church has had some changes recently and it has made me sit back and think, “Is this what I want for our family?” We changed our youth minister and associate minister pretty close to the same time. I don’t particularly like change. I have wrestled with leaving the church or hanging in there. Also, other things have bothered me how our church has changed things.
While I was praying about this, something came to mind. How I feel about my church is a lot like my relationship with my marriage. When our marriage gets stagnant we change what is going on to revive it. There are disappointments in a marriage because we are all human. Our marriages have to have each side contribute so no one is doing all of the work. We choose to stay with our husband and cultivate our relationship. It’s not always greener on the other side. My husband is always there for me!
We should view our church the same way. When our church gets stagnant, pray to revive it. When you have disappointments in how the church is going, remember that we are all human. Everyone should contribute so not just a few are working. Changing churches isn’t always the answer. There will be a problem eventually with the new church. My church is always there for me!
When comparing the two I realized how precious both are to me. My husband and church family are my support system. I encourge you to find a church family to be with you through your ups and your downs.